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Feels like I have nowhere to rant, so here I am after a whole year of negligence.

This indicates how lonely I'm here which is a big tipping point on the scale that would favour me to return home.

But where exactly is home?

I know I haven't left for long, compared to many others who have been away for probably 5 years or more. But these two years have taught me so much that I would never ever learn back home in Malaysia.

I cannot see myself there in the coming few years time, but I don't see myself raising children here either. I don't really see myself as a mom, but that's a topic for another day.

Isn't it pathetic that we, or at least I worry and stress myself immensely because it has become so difficult to stay back after graduation? Is it really better here? I question myself repetitively. Two years ago when I first packed my bags and left, I was so sure I wouldn't want to return to Malaysia after my studies. During my first year, the thought of returning would even make me depressed, making me even more determined to stay after graduation. As my second year dawned, things started to change. I feel lonely here and most importantly I feel pathetic for wanting to be here when they clearly do not want us here.

Now that I'm facing my last few weeks of my final semester, the whole situation has transformed into a nail-biting stressful whirlwind, leaving the ill-equipped person that I still am to decide my future.

The cherry on top of this big fat cake is that I need to face the cruel reality of job hunting as a foreigner, which will be a do or die thing if I really want to fight for my chance to stay back.

Isn't it daunting to grow up? Isn't it frustrating to miss the boat just because you're one step too late?